They may have primarily had “friends with benefits”, or they’ve had relationships that were toxic, codependent or chronically unfulfilling. When it comes to past relationships of men who are emotionally unavailable, you’ll either see that they have never been in a real relationship- and have only had casual “flings” or “situation-ships”. Therefore, if someone has operated in a certain way in the past, unless they’ve done some really introspective work and made conscious shifts, it’s more than likely they will repeat their old patterns in their current relationships. The ways we operate in relationships (engage, respond, love, reciprocate, listen) are based on patterned responses that are often automatic and unconscious. Though we can’t judge all people solely based on their history, when it comes to relationships, it’s important to take note of the person’s relationship history. Healthy relationships are ones where your partner wants you to feel connected with, heard and supported. If that’s the case, you will likely feel shut down and alone. In some instances, he may have some capacity to listen, but is emotionally shutting that part of himself down so that you don’t get too close. An emotionally unavailable man has a difficult time knowing how to engage in the real-stuff conversations. However, when you start sharing more emotionally about your family, or discuss your plans for your future, he checks out. The conversation flows smoothly when it’s about friends, plans for dinner or your clothing choice. You enjoy being in each others’ company and have a really playful dynamic, sexually. When it comes to real-life conversations, they run.
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